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Page: What More Can You Do?
It’s Not Her
Fault
Rape is always a crime and the rapist is a criminal. Don’t
blame the victim. Victims don’t cause their attackers’ behavior.
Don’t Question
Her Actions
• Don’t second-guess your friend’s behavior.
Don’t ask her why she did or didn’t do something.
(Why did you go there? Why did you stay? Why did you open the
door?)
• Don’t tell her she should have
done something differently. (You should have had locks on the
windows... You
shouldn’t
have been doing the laundry at that time of night… You
should have fought… You shouldn’t have fought… If
you hadn’t gone over to his apartment, it wouldn’t
have happened… You shouldn’t have worn that outfit…).
These responses can only increase her pain and self-doubt.
• Don’t
focus on the victim’s behavior. The rapist’s
behavior is the problem and should be condemned. Nothing
the victim did or didn’t do caused the rape. The responsibility
for the crime lies with the person who committed it.
Leave Comparisons Alone
It doesn’t help to compare her experience with others
who have been raped. Some day she might want to learn more
about
the reactions of other rape victims, but any such discussion
should be at her request.
Don’t compare what did happen with what
could have happened. (e.g. Well, at least you’re alive.)
During her attack her overwhelming emotion was the fear of being
killed. It’s
up to her to decide whether or not she was “lucky” to
have survived.
Face the Issue
People often tell a victim of a crisis, “Don’t worry
/ Don’t cry / Don’t think about it.” This is
impossible. And it’s not helpful for someone who
has been raped.
Telling her to deny or downplay the experience
she’s just
been through might suggest to her that you aren’t
concerned. Neither the crime nor its aftermath will go
away by ignoring
them.
Be Ready to Listen
Tell her she can discuss her experience with you. Some
women need to process the experience by repeating details
or talking
about their feelings. Other women may want to talk, but
not about the particulars of the rape. Try to listen
non-judgmentally and
don’t ask specific questions. Your curiosity about the
details of the sexual assault should not overpower your desire
to be supportive and gentle with the victim. Offer her the opportunity
to talk, but never insist that talking will cure her. Remember
that she has just been coerced and she won’t be helped
by further coercion.
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