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How To Be Supportive
Your loved one needs your support. To be helpful to her, your words and actions
must clearly send the following messages.
- You support her
- You believe her
- You know the assault was not her fault
- You respect her choices regarding medical
care, legal issues and services
- You are sensitive to her concerns about
safety
- You will listen without pushing her to talk
- You will follow her lead about hugging,
touching and sexual intimacy
You Can Do Other Things To Help:
- Protect her privacy; she gets to decide
who to tell about the assault
- Help others who know about the rape understand
that your loved one was
not at fault.
- Educate them about sexual violence
- Avoid being
too protective. If you are too protective, she may
feel more
powerless.
- Avoid acting like the rape never happened,
even if she does. Attempts to
deny or repress the rape only delay recovery.
- You can play
a vital role in the victim’s recovery.
Dealing With Anger
You may be angry at the victim. It is normal
to wonder whether your loved one could have done something
to prevent the rape. You may wonder if she could have
fought off the attacker. Remember – the rape was not her fault. The important
thing is that your loved one survived the assault. The actions she took during
the assault were successful.
Since someone you love has been harmed,
it is natural that you will be angry at the rapist. You may
also be angry at the criminal justice system, if no arrest
or prosecution occurs. It is important to channel that anger in useful ways
and to focus on providing the emotional support your loved
one needs at this time.
Your natural anger and personal beliefs about rape can be your enemy at this
crucial time. If you act without thinking, you can quickly become part of the
problem.
It is natural for you to want to find and
confront the rapist. Even if you know him, this is a bad idea.
Once a confrontation beings, you risk being hurt
or
being arrested. Your loved one needs your support, and you will not be able
to help her if you are arrested or injured.
Don’t Ignore
Your Need For Healing
Because your loved one is injured, you also hurt. Many people,
especially men, blame themselves when they cannot protect
their loved ones from harm.
Even
so, you may need to put aside your own needs in order to be able to care
for hers.
Of course, you cannot ignore your own needs for too long without paying
emotional price.
Dealing with your own feelings can be a
real problem. Showing your anger or frustration in front of
the victim can be confusing or only further upset her. Many
victims,
especially children, will “shut down.” They may quit talking and
hide their feelings. Often they will blame themselves or withdraw from others
to avoid upsetting the family.
You will need to find a way to deal with
your own feelings. Here are some ways to find help:
- Contact your nearest sexual assault crisis
center. Their services are free and confidential for friends
and family, as well as victims.
- Join a sexual assault support group for
men. This can help you understand the feelings of the victim,
family members, friends and others. A group can be a
safe place to talk about how you feel and to deal with your anger.
- Speak to a counselor or an understanding
member of the clergy. Write your feelings in a private
journal. This is better than keeping them bottled
up.
- Talk with a trusted friend who will
listen to you and support you.
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